The first thing guys usually mess up is how to message a girl on an Online Dating site (such as POF or OKCupid).  They usually open up with something that comments on her looks, or worse yet, something overly sexual.

It really isn’t hard but the first thing to remember is…

Never comment on her looks…

This really should go without saying.  Attractive girls know that they are attractive and get reminded about it every day . Messages like:

  • hey ur cutee
  • hey beutiful wassup
  • you are gorgeous!!! <3

just show that you are only interested in her looks but are not actually interested in her as a person.

Never write a “love-letter”

The opposite end of the spectrum is the “love-letter”.  It is basically a prolific proclamation of a person’s “love-at-first-sight”.  Usually guys try to impress women with their “literary-genius” and ultimately end up writing a very cringe-worthy “tldr;” message.  I’ve made this mistake by spending 30 mins on supposedly deep message only to not get a reply. Here’s an example:

I saw your profile and just absolutely had to message you.  Maybe it was your beauty that caught my eye or maybe it was your love of Game of Thrones.  For you see, I too am very interested in the literary works of George R.R. Martin and I too consider myself a bit of an intellectual.  If you would be interested, I would love to talk to you about topics such as politics, science, sociology as you have also professed interest in these areas….

Seriously guys, for the love of God, don’t do this!


So what should I open with???

Seriously, this is so simple and yet 99% of the guys out there do not do this: Ask a probing question!

This may seem simple, but it does take practice to know the right questions to ask.  People love to talk about themselves and it is important to think about it for what it is, a casual inqury.

What should I ask??

That is also a great question.  What has worked for me in the past is asking about:

  • Why they chose their field of study
  • What their job is like
  • If they are from out of town, what they miss about home
  • Their opinion on things to do around the city

There are certainly more examples but typically I spend no more than 30 seconds on a profile, and if I am interested I will look for stuff like:

  • What they studied in school
  • Where they are from
  • What they do for work

And usually use that as a basis for my questions.  They should be no more than 2-3 sentences.  Remember, this person does not know you or is attracted to you yet.  You are simply making small talk for now.

Here are a couple of examples:

How do I get the date??

So, you have sent your opener (actually you should practice on sending as many of these innocuous messages as possible).  By this time you should be chatting back and fourth for about 7-8 messages in.  If she is responsive and answers you back, this is a good sign.

Just simply say:

I’d really like to meet you for dinner sometime, does Wednesday evening work for you?

Then exchange phone numbers, arrange a time and restaurant and go from there.  That’s it.

Don’t over think this…

Never play the game of trying to wait on responding or getting worried if she does not respond immediately, just respond to her when you are able to.

What if she ghosts me?

Move on… seriously, you need to realize that this is a numbers game and do not get particularly attached to any one person.  I know it may be easy to envision a future relationship with a cute girl but she may have other reasons why she did not message you back.  Don’t let this discourage you.  Everyone get’s ghosted at some point. The less you care, the easier this gets.